Self-Care is Not Selfish

Dear Sisters, 

Many years ago, in an effort to adjust to a new life as a homeschooling mom of two sons, I adopted a low maintenance attitude toward myself. I considered it almost sinful to take care of myself because it was taking time away from my duties as a wife and mother. My mindset was that my femininity wasn’t nearly as important to my sons’ development as much as their father’s masculinity. There were many days during those early years of homeschooling that I actually did not put on makeup, fix my hair, or even take a shower. I adopted what my husband called my “uniform,” a velour sweatsuit. In fact, I had four of them in a rotation of four different colors to add a minor semblance of variety. I attended Sunday Mass with a pair of slacks, a simple blouse, minimal makeup and a chapel veil. The chapel veil meant, at the time, I didn’t have to do my hair. 

I immersed myself in the "work" around my husband, kids, home, and parish apostolate. I did not maintain any friendships, I just had acquaintances. I thought I didn’t have time for the seemingly vain activity of chatting over a cup of coffee. I kept the “too busy” excuse so I wouldn’t have to deal with my declining wellness. This decline was manifesting itself in 40+ pounds of weight gain, a weak prayer life, lack of intimacy with my husband, daily back and neck pain, and a creeping loneliness from having no “real” friends to speak of. Truly, I was on a downward spiral and I denied every signal! 

Suddenly, God moved His mighty hand and used our oldest son as the instrument to change the direction of my wellness. Our oldest son was in an accident that left him with a reconstructed jaw which was wired shut for 8 weeks. My “busy-ness” came to a halt as my family’s focus and my focus became the healing and comfort of our son (and helping his little brother move through the trauma as well). After one week of taking care of my son, the realization I had totally “let myself go” had become clear and unavoidable. I can remember the moment: I was coming down the stairs after giving my son his lunch and setting his little brother up with some legos that he wanted to build in the same room so he could be near his brother. As I reached the bottom of the stairs and I felt the energy drain from my body. It was only 10 in the morning and I had already been up and down those stairs so many times! My entire body ached, I was exhausted. I thought to myself, “Betsy, you’re not old, but why do you feel so old?” I turned around, went back up the stairs and into my bedroom and just sobbed! I cried out to God in a new way: a very personal way. I was lonely, tired, afraid and terrified that I would never be able to feel good again. I wasn’t wanting a selfish “feel good” or a childish happiness, but I was longing for knowing true happiness, I wanted to experience true joy! 

By this time, I had gained 50 pounds under my uniform and had lost sight of my real self; the self that God had created specifically and intentionally. The weight I had gained had not caused the lost vision of my true self, but the weight was a symptom. I was so overly concerned about upholding an image of the perfect Catholic Homeschooling Mom that I’d lost sight of the true femininity God was calling me to. Looking back on it, it is almost funny how clear it was that He used our son’s accident as a reflection of what I had become - broken, and in need of healing. Finally, I put my pride aside and started listening!  The Lord had been reaching out to me in Adoration but I was too busy telling Him my plans. For too long I failed to learn that His plans for me were so much better.

After the epiphany on the stairs, He set in motion more events that would come to transform my mind, body, and soul. I lost and continue to maintain a 50 pound weight loss, train for and complete in countless endurance events ranging from 5Ks, to full marathons, even triathlons. This led to my certification as a personal trainer and to become a nutrition coach specifically for women. The Lord led me to this with the inspiration of my own story, progress, and eventual success. I realised that if I suffered in these areas, then surely other women are too! This realization led to a calling to work to help restore the self care for real woman so that they can live out their vocation fully and happily.  

For over ten years, I have had the opportunity to share the gift of intentional and integrated wellness with a broad variety of women. Some are mothers with large families and face constant taxing challenges, others are addicted to food, and some are just trying to get a handle on their changing or aging female body. Most of these women who reach out to me do so in sheer desperation. They are looking for reassurance and need a more positive and realistic approach to regaining control of their wellness. All of these women long for an ear that will listen, and a companion to encourage and console them in the way only a feminine heart can. 

One common obstacle that is present in all cases when we begin working together is misunderstanding. She has come to misunderstand, like I did, that her wellness is not just a laundry list of things to fix about herself.  I often hear proclamations like: “If I could just lose ___ pounds then everything will be better.” Or, “If I just stop eating ______, everything would be great.” And other times I’m emphatically told: “If you just tell me what to do to feel better, I’ll do it!” She has to learn, like I did, that self care is a process, that her wellness depends on the integration of her mind, body, and soul. All of the failed attempts to lose weight, eat better, exercise consistently, pray regularly, have all been dashed because she didn’t see how all three are intertwined with one another.

Integrated wellness in mind, body, and soul is something that is absent from most of the fads in fitness and dieting. These trends ignore integration and only focus on one aspect, this why all these fads, I believe, are short lived. It is through our feminine genius that we can each achieve this integrated wellness each in her own way.  As St. Pope John Paul II reminded us in his Apostolic Letter Mulieris Dignitatem, the Church “desires to give thanks to the Most Holy Trinity for the ‘mystery of woman’ and for every woman-for all that constitutes the eternal measure of her feminine dignity, for the ‘great works of God,’ which throughout human history have been accomplished in and through her” (No. 31). These things are possible and amazing when her wellness is integrated. Integrated wellness includes prayer, exercise, and proper nutrition. With history as our guide, when we focus on one element of self care and ignore the others we find that the other elements suffer. 

As I prepare for Mass, I typically pray the the Universal Prayer attributed to Pope Clement XI. In this I pray for four things: to be attentive in prayer, temperate at meals, firm in my resolutions, and maintain a well-ordered life as I believe and trust more strongly in Him. 

In this stage of my journey, I help women integrate self care techniques into their lives to reach wellness in mind, body, and soul. I help them by forming a personal strategy for them to work towards total wellness in the form of attainable goals. As they follow their plan and work towards their goals, I guide them in several aspects. Mainly, these are: anchoring their day in prayer, intentional and consistent exercise, and sustainable nutrition practices. 

I fully came to understand and cherish my feminine heart through well ordered self care. Through this self care and feminine love, I have learned that true integration of mind, body, and soul can exist in my life. As this integration occurred in my life, my heart has come to know love that is tough, real, tenacious, and discerning. I have come to discover my feminine heart and its place in my life as a Catholic woman, wife, mother, aunt, daughter, sister, and friend.

And you can too... If you need help, the first step is to reach out. Feel free to send me a message at [email protected]