How He Saved Our Marriage: Sustainable Wellness Practices for Couples

The Integrated Catholic Woman 1:1 health coaching model isn't just about nutrition and exercise. The coaching model I use with women is anchored in Deeper Health. Deep Health considers: spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, relational, and environmental components in her life. Truly living an Integrated Life means all 6 components are cared for. 

More often than not, THE one component that is at the root of her struggle to heal, to lose weight, or to make change is RELATIONAL. This was true for me, what about you? 

When our oldest son, Curtis, was 2 years old we left Salt Lake City to "begin again" in an attempt to save our marriage and our family. Craig's work situation and the stress of owning a business began to take a toll on our marriage and small family. We decided to move back to California, where we had family and a support system.

After moving back to Southern California we worked hard to make ends meet. We were now a young couple with a bigger house payment. Craig began a new career and I was working freelance in Radio, Television and Film, and within 4 months, we were expecting.

Henry arrived 8 weeks early and that came with more challenges: financial, spiritual and relational. 

After we began to settle into our new family rhythm I began my own direct sales business (you know, home parties! For me it was PartyLite Candles). The business took off and before we knew it Craig and I were two ships passing in the night. He'd come home from a long day and even longer commute and then I'd be out the door to "push some wax." 

The breakneck pace and late nights came with some serious money, fantastic free trips (that I worked VERY hard to earn), and some financial freedom ... but... our marriage was falling apart! (Usurping my husband's ability to provide for us is a topic for another blog!) 

After suffering with a toddler who would NOT sleep through the night, a friend of ours lent us a parenting book. It was a bit controversial at the time (maybe it still is??) but, I read it nonetheless. She was a good friend who really cared about me, my marriage and my family. Looking back, she really did risk a lot to offer that book to me. 

I spent the next few weeks reading it... some of what the author was telling me was that my parenting style was actually SELFISH... God used those pages to penetrate my pride - He helped me to see what He desired for me as a wife and mother. Through that book God revealed to me that my habits as a wife could be at the root of my son's sleeplessness!

I finished the book, and mustered up the courage to talk to Craig about it when we were actually home together. It was a Saturday afternoon, the boys were napping, and I asked Craig if I could share with him what I had learned in the parenting book I had read, "a solution to our son's sleepless nights." After his seemingly uninterested "sure" response accompanied by a slightly exasperated sigh, I swallowed my pride (I really wanted to walk away after that response!) and shared the top thing I learned from the book: "I needed to put my husband before the boys, good parenting begins with a solid marriage. "

If I told you he was ALL EARS at this point I'd be telling you the TRUTH! It was a lovely conversation where I shared excerpts of the book that laid out practices we could work on to be better spouses and better parents. The ONE practice that we landed on was "Couch Time."

Couch Time: verb, Definition: 10-15 minutes of uninterrupted time with your spouse where you discuss the highlights of the day, upcoming events, concerns, bright spots, funny stories. A time where a couple actively and intentionally communicates with the other person. Couch time happens when the kids are awake and can see their parents communicating. (I guess for the kids it's a noun too "Every day when my dad comes home from work before we have dinner, my parents have couch time.")

Couch Time was born. It took months of consistency to build the muscle around this practice. We began with 5 minutes (the boys were little!) and built up to 15 minutes. It's a practice that we still do today - even though our sons are now out of the house and on their own. I look forward to it! 

After about 6 months of consistent (not perfect!) Couch Time our son began sleeping through the night!! Turns out the book was right. After our children saw their parents connecting consistently this built a strong foundation, a true feeling of security for them. Our home began to be a more peaceful, ordered retreat. 

Soon after this breakthrough, we decided that our 15 minutes of Couch Time needed something extra, a little more connection time and some space to unpack some of the deeper things we were discovering in our daily Couch Time. Best Friend Night was born!! We landed on Thursday nights because that night was the gateway to the weekend. It stuck! 31 years later here we are, still looking forward to Best Friend Night! 

Here are some tips for cultivating your own Couch Time Practice: 

+ Discuss with your spouse the idea of Couch Time - decide what you both would like the conversation to be as you develop the practice. For example, maybe it starts with discussing the highs and lows of the day, or maybe, what went well and what went "sideways". We usually begin with, "anything funny happen today?"

+ Choose a time for your couch time - preferably when the kids are awake and SEE you both communicating. 

+ As a couple, explain Couch Time to your kids. When mom & dad explain something together it is pretty powerful. Our boys were very young, yet our oldest son even at 4 years old GOT IT - As we sat on the couch in the living room, he and his brother would play with legos where we could see them. There was to be no interrupting, unless it was an emergency (yes, we had to explain what we meant by "emergency"). 

+ Be patient, start small - maybe with 5 minutes 2-3 times a week. Every 2 weeks add another day. When you get to everyday, begin adding 5 minutes until you reach 15 minutes of uninterrupted Couch Time. 

+ Track your Couch Time with a shared calendar or note in your smart phones. 

Our Best Friend Nights have evolved over the years. Here are some examples: 

+ After the kids were in bed we would share a special snack and sometimes an adult beverage (until 2021, that's when Craig stopped drinking alcohol). 

+ We haven't had a television since 2004. In the late spring, summer, early fall the night starts with a walk, in the late fall, winter and early spiring we start with a hot cup of tea of a decaf affogato.

+ Play a card game that you can chat with - something like UNO or Rummy where you can chat and laugh.

+ Reading aloud to each other an article or chapter from a book we might be reading. I read aloud A LOT - we are currently reading Arabian Nights aloud... it's gonna take MANY Best Friend Nights to get through that one!  

+ Whatever you choose to do, choose it together. Discover together the places and activities where you can connect and cultivate intimacy. 

Cultivating sustainable, intentional wellness practices that build your deeper health are key to living the Integrated Life. Want to know more about Deeper Health? Send me an email at [email protected] and request your own Deep Health Assessment.